Living life without rules1:52 AM
How's weekend everybody?! Hope you all did great. I had a shoot for my upcoming 19th collection of thrift treasures for my online shop to be released on Tuesday (April 27). I just finished photoshopping the pictures and I hope it'll be warmly welcomed like my past collections.
Rehearsals keep me busy these days. We'll be performing (I'm part of a dance group) soon for the coming Freshmen welcome orientation in school around first week of May. By mid May, I'll be busy with an independent film directed by a seasoned filmmaker doing basic film apprenticeship and maybe some small minor roles (if given the chance, and if within my acting/singing skills haha). Clue: partly musical.
Sounds busy? Kindah... BUT I know I have to focus on my thesis (and I will, I have to). Everyone just... well... graduated except for me I guess. It's "okay" to be left behind. When I think about it, I feel like there's nothing wrong about it. The tough part though is living everyday in harsh judgment by people who expected too much from me; making me feel like it's the biggest failure I've ever committed in my life.
It's difficult living when people make me feel defeated (maybe I was, I don't know :( ). I admit, I partly regret it. However, it was a mistake I wanted to make. It was a decision that made me feel for once, I'm really in control of my life.
Right now, I just wanted to be guided by His wisdom. I want nothing more than to pick myself up and continue my path. For some, maybe they think I'm now lost. I'd like to face the sunshine and think of it as just taking a different route (and maybe creating my own). And yes, though I'm still affected by what people think of me (what a failure I've been), though I still second guess myself, I just keep on going. The worst thing to do now is to stop living.
Alexander Mcqueen inspired blazer
Tutu skirt and black wedges from F-STOP (asian fashion pre-order)
Rings: Baguio silver accessories
Partly reblogged from: laimehpits.livejournal.com
Still, I somehow don't know where to begin.
There are so many things I desire to do with my life... I'm 20 and feeling unfulfilled. I decided to set my studies aside and put my thesis on hold in pursuit of something that I half excel in. Now, everyone's just graduated and it's heartbreaking to be left behind. It was a choice I partly regret in my head. That's the thing about the past. It remains there... in the past.
When decided to be delayed by one semester, I told my self, for once, I want to be in control. Thinking about it is much easier than living it. Holding my life in my hands left me with no direction. How come? I thought the best way to live life is without rules. I need to live with some code to follow or else I wouldn't know where I'm headed to. I know what I want but I'm unsure if that's what I ought to do. It's tough go back, having to regret my choices again.
I remember my glorious days: graduating as valedictorian in elementary and high school, being hyper active in extra curricular activities in school such as journalism, performing arts, music, dance and even sports, leading in student council, heading my own ministries in church; I did them all. Mostly a university scholar my entire college life... and in a snap, I'm now delayed without honors. The super girl just drifted away... gone, gone, gone. Once a jack of all trades, now a master of none. That's the thing about the past. It remains there... in the past.
I know I shouldn't but I can't help but think about what other people will say; especially those who used to know how well I've performed in different aspects of my life. Everything that I've accomplished in the past, none of them matter now. Most of it are now forgotten and irrelevant. I can't explain the feeling. I'm not sure if I'm ashamed (if I am, why am I writing about this in the first place), if I'm disappointed at myself, if I'm guilty because I didn't push myself that hard and gave in to mediocrity or if I'm just too obsessed about being the greatest, most talented and most outstanding person in the world that I'm upset because I couldn't live with the fact that I couldn't be "it".
I know I have to get back on track. There are cases when it doesn't matter how one starts; but rather how one finishes the race.
Photos by: JR Espejo
Photos by: JR Espejo